We each bring our personalities or whatever we have to the table at the same time and this can make people difficult. When these people are our family members it can turn challenges into chaos. So, what should you do?
Understanding Why Family Dynamics are Hard
There are a variety of reasons why difficult challenges may be present within a family such as:
- The increasing rise in divorce rate. Half of the primary figures in a family are not doing well when there’s a troubled marriage. Living with another person is difficult especially if it’s a case of opposites attracting. They must learn to navigate how to get along plus how to compromise on numerous issues.
- Sibling rivalry is real. Sibling relationships can last for years when they are on the outs with some breaking relationships for all times.
- Parenting is not easy. Difficulties can be between parent and child, between parents with different parenting styles, or from the influence of grandparents on the parents. Being a middle generation coping with raising children and caring for aging parents is a tightrope walk to keep everything in balance while still moving forward.
Rooted in Bullying or Authoritarianism
I spoke to retired family therapist and active life coach, Dr. Eric Maisel, we talked about how to overcome the difficult people when these people are family members. One of the key points Dr. Maisel uncovered is around authoritarian wounding referring to people who have a bullying style that in some ways is just plain mean. Studies indicate 25% of the general population are either authoritarian leaders or authoritarian followers. This may contribute to why family members are difficult.
It’s essential for parents to take responsibility for their parenting skills rather than label a child with a mental disorder diagnosis for acting out in one of the only ways they know how for their age. Too frequently we hear statements like “Oh my kid has this” so they give medication. Or, a parent may say “My kid caught this mental disorder flu somewhere and is now oppositional or hyperactive or something.” The real problem is children are expressing and acting out family problems, not broken plumbing problems. A child doesn’t have the tools, words, or skills to express the difficulties and chaos they are feeling in another way. It comes out like this and then the knee-jerk response it to feed them chemicals which can sometimes become a pathway to later addiction.
Surviving & Thriving in a Difficult Family
Placing distance between yourself and the person causing the difficulties is often one of the best ways to survive. As a child, they can’t leave until they are older but another adult can advocate on their behalf…and should.
While distance may stir feelings of guilt for not desiring to be near family, it’s necessary to let these feelings go. A major holiday may be the only visit you meet with all the family to maintain some relationship and that’s okay.
You can’t control someone but you can influence situations. If a family member brings up a past hurt or argument to rehash try changing the location so being in a new place may not trigger restarting the argument. For instance, if you always met in someone’s home try dining in a restaurant. Being in a public setting may be enough to discourage this person from arguing in public.
Another survival and thriving tactic to try is taking responsibility for your behavior. It’s easy to blame someone for hurts but the truth is this is frequently a shared responsibility. Apologize for your role in the matter and decide to move on.
Never forget you are your own person. You don’t need to feel trapped into becoming like your parent, sibling, or an extended family member. The cycle of chaos can stop with you because you are your own person. You aren’t them. You do not have to been like this other person no matter what.
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